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Feeling kind of sad and lonely today. I guess because it's the first time in a long time (excluding that one Thanksgiving in Japan) that I'm not celebrating the holiday with a significant other. Not only am I ejected from Steven's life but also from his family - they welcomed me as one of their own and I always thought one day I officially would be, but obviously I was wrong.
My mom's extended family has a Thanksgiving get-together the Saturday following Thanksgiving, and it's something I look forward to and kind of dread every year. Again this is the first time in a long time that I'm not bringing someone with me. I know they will be understanding and they won't make me feel bad and it will feel better once I'm there, but I'm still anticipating it with a bit of anxiety and pain. I feel like a failure. I've been reconnecting with a lot of people I went to high school with and so many of them are posting stories about their families - their spouses, their children - and I feel left out. Marriage and kids is something I've wanted all my life and three times I've tried to make that happen with someone and three times I've failed. I thought the third time was the charm but I guess not and now I feel like it will never happen. This doesn't mean I don't feel like a whole person without it or believe that my life will be empty and unfulfilling - far from it. But I think everyone has dreams and goals for themselves and can understand the pain of seeing those things float away far out of reach. I'm not giving up, not really (I just can't - I really don't know how), but I'm really going to work on being detached about it. Next serious relationship I am in, I am not going to bring it up and I don't want to talk about it until they're serious. Of course, how can you tell? Every one of the three times, my partners reassured me that they were committed, that they were serious, that we were going to be together, and I believed them. Am I delusional? Am I a fool? And course, there's also the feeling that there's something really wrong with me, that people tell me they want to spend their lives with me and then they leave me. Maybe this is just the way the world is now, and I should stop believing in forever.
It doesn't help that I called a few people and only got their voicemail. At least I was able to talk to Sonya so I don't feel like a total loser.
I am thankful, too, though. It isn't all pain and angst. I'm extremely thankful for my family for always being there, being supportive and understanding and believing in me. And I'm also very thankful for my friends, who have also been very supportive and loving through the difficulties of the last couple of years. I'm grateful that I've been able to reconnect with a lot of people. I'm thankful that every year I come to understand myself a little better and that I'm learning how to take care of myself better. I'm thankful for all the wonderful experiences I've had and all the interesting, geeky and cool things I've learned. I'm thankful that there are video games to play and that I get to play them. All of these things I'm thankful for have been there most of my life and will continue to be part of my life, and I'm thankful for that too.
My mom's extended family has a Thanksgiving get-together the Saturday following Thanksgiving, and it's something I look forward to and kind of dread every year. Again this is the first time in a long time that I'm not bringing someone with me. I know they will be understanding and they won't make me feel bad and it will feel better once I'm there, but I'm still anticipating it with a bit of anxiety and pain. I feel like a failure. I've been reconnecting with a lot of people I went to high school with and so many of them are posting stories about their families - their spouses, their children - and I feel left out. Marriage and kids is something I've wanted all my life and three times I've tried to make that happen with someone and three times I've failed. I thought the third time was the charm but I guess not and now I feel like it will never happen. This doesn't mean I don't feel like a whole person without it or believe that my life will be empty and unfulfilling - far from it. But I think everyone has dreams and goals for themselves and can understand the pain of seeing those things float away far out of reach. I'm not giving up, not really (I just can't - I really don't know how), but I'm really going to work on being detached about it. Next serious relationship I am in, I am not going to bring it up and I don't want to talk about it until they're serious. Of course, how can you tell? Every one of the three times, my partners reassured me that they were committed, that they were serious, that we were going to be together, and I believed them. Am I delusional? Am I a fool? And course, there's also the feeling that there's something really wrong with me, that people tell me they want to spend their lives with me and then they leave me. Maybe this is just the way the world is now, and I should stop believing in forever.
It doesn't help that I called a few people and only got their voicemail. At least I was able to talk to Sonya so I don't feel like a total loser.
I am thankful, too, though. It isn't all pain and angst. I'm extremely thankful for my family for always being there, being supportive and understanding and believing in me. And I'm also very thankful for my friends, who have also been very supportive and loving through the difficulties of the last couple of years. I'm grateful that I've been able to reconnect with a lot of people. I'm thankful that every year I come to understand myself a little better and that I'm learning how to take care of myself better. I'm thankful for all the wonderful experiences I've had and all the interesting, geeky and cool things I've learned. I'm thankful that there are video games to play and that I get to play them. All of these things I'm thankful for have been there most of my life and will continue to be part of my life, and I'm thankful for that too.
