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My brain puzzles me sometimes
May. 31st, 2010 01:34 amI came across this in a blog I was reading: "Anyone living in a partnership in which financial resources are shared: you should be doing this. Period. Any other way just leads to resentment and frustration that will bleed over into every other aspect of your relationship." (The "this" referred to is to "mutually discuss and come to agreement on ... expenditures".)
It struck me, I guess because I have been in a fairly serious relationship with someone who was somewhat secretive about money and financial matters and I tolerated it even though it made me uncomfortable and now, looking back, I'm finding myself puzzled by that. My own good sense told me that this was A Bad Thing™ and I ignored it. (Mostly. There were discussions but I mostly left it alone. Very unlike me.)
My own family is fairly open about most things. My parents have always discussed their financial situation with us (perhaps in more detail than we sometimes wanted, but I think I prefer things this way) and we would always brainstorm solutions together as a family if we were facing financial hardships. I'm not used to being shut out of important decisions made by people who are close to me. It's just part of the intimacy I expect from close relationships. I don't talk to strangers about this kind of stuff (unless I have to, damn you Chase) and while I share a lot with FB and LJ, there are things I would not share there either. But there's also next to nothing that I wouldn't share with my life partner and I expect a similar degree of openness from them. Or at least I think I do. Why did I back down from this?
I know part of the answer. I'm used to being the dependable partner, the one my partner leans on to be reasonable and do most of the significant decision making. At first it was just such a relief not to have to do that. But I'm not actually suited to being a kept woman, particularly not by someone who's not really in a position to take on that responsibility, and it's not what I'm looking for. I guess I swung too far the other way and mistook that tendency to keep things close to the vest for real independence, and it's not. A full partner deserves full disclosure - that's what I offer and I have every right to expect it in return. Basically, I mistook keeping things from me for standing up to me, and it's really not the same thing at all.
It struck me, I guess because I have been in a fairly serious relationship with someone who was somewhat secretive about money and financial matters and I tolerated it even though it made me uncomfortable and now, looking back, I'm finding myself puzzled by that. My own good sense told me that this was A Bad Thing™ and I ignored it. (Mostly. There were discussions but I mostly left it alone. Very unlike me.)
My own family is fairly open about most things. My parents have always discussed their financial situation with us (perhaps in more detail than we sometimes wanted, but I think I prefer things this way) and we would always brainstorm solutions together as a family if we were facing financial hardships. I'm not used to being shut out of important decisions made by people who are close to me. It's just part of the intimacy I expect from close relationships. I don't talk to strangers about this kind of stuff (unless I have to, damn you Chase) and while I share a lot with FB and LJ, there are things I would not share there either. But there's also next to nothing that I wouldn't share with my life partner and I expect a similar degree of openness from them. Or at least I think I do. Why did I back down from this?
I know part of the answer. I'm used to being the dependable partner, the one my partner leans on to be reasonable and do most of the significant decision making. At first it was just such a relief not to have to do that. But I'm not actually suited to being a kept woman, particularly not by someone who's not really in a position to take on that responsibility, and it's not what I'm looking for. I guess I swung too far the other way and mistook that tendency to keep things close to the vest for real independence, and it's not. A full partner deserves full disclosure - that's what I offer and I have every right to expect it in return. Basically, I mistook keeping things from me for standing up to me, and it's really not the same thing at all.
