Jan. 26th, 2010

Grief webs

Jan. 26th, 2010 11:00 am
spideyj: (Default)
The feelings of grief come and go. It's a blend of griefs, actually - my grandmother, Bevan going back to Rhode Island, Danya's impending departure for Korea (next month!) and my own plans to go to Japan. Sometimes I start to feel like I'm saying goodbye all the time. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I distract myself, most of the time I just feel tired and blah. Haven't been keeping up with email or Facebook and I haven't really felt like talking about the situation. Sometimes it feels like talking about my feelings makes me more tired and sad, though I know it doesn't actually work that way for me. And it's not that I haven't been talking about it - many conversations with my family (esp my parents) about all this stuff floating around in my head.

Then there's the discussion about the distribution of my grandmother's stuff. Technically it's my dad's responsibility as the executor, but he's down here and Grandma's stuff and my aunt (who was taking care of her) are up in Washington, so it's a little difficult. It's also hard for me to think about, partly because it's part of saying goodbye, partly because there's no way I can take any of it. Which makes me think about all the stuff I need to get rid of, and the stuff that has certain emotional associations with it (part of why I feel the need to get rid of it) and so many other things. It's like a web of emotions, pluck one element and it pulls on all the others.

Mostly I'm just giving myself time and space to recover. I accept that I'm grieving and this makes me feel tired, and I know this will pass. I try and think about the positive things ahead for me and the people I care about; my sense of hope is intact, accompanied by the grief.

When I was growing up, I had 4 grandparents and 2 great-grandparents alive. I know I was fortunate. I was very close with my great-grandmother (on my mom's side - I didn't know my other great-grandmother very well) and very few people can say that. Now I have 2 grandparents and they recently moved from California to Oregon to live in an assisted living place near my aunt. Trying not to think about what that means, but at the same time knowing I need to make sure to make plans to see them before I leave the country.

My plans for leaving are different this time, too, which goes into the web, too. I have no specific plans to return, no deadline, no commitment here to bring me back. This is exciting and it's a good thing, imo, but it also makes thing feel a bit heavier, more serious. This isn't an extended trip, this is my life. I think I will eventually come back but I can also see the possibility of living out my life there. Who knows what will happen. I'm open to the possibilities. I won't pretend that I'm not afraid, but the fear is a small element of what I feel about it.

It's been good to be back with my family. Every time I come back, my appreciation for the closeness we have and the quality of the communication amongst us increases. At the same time, I wonder if it might be easier for me to develop a romantic relationship if I didn't have that standard to compare with. The level of emotional intimacy I expect is something not too many people are capable of, I think.


spideyj: (Default)

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