spideyj: (LU Afraid of this human body)
I suppose I should mention this here for those of you not on FB or twitter (and a few more details for those of you who are). The hospice care people came to look at my grandmother and their opinion is that she will only be around a few more days. I think my father's planning on driving up there (she's in WA) tonight or tomorrow. I'm not planning on going with him; I may go up for the funeral.

I've alternated between tears and numbness for most of today. Can't really bring myself to do much of anything. I was supposed to cook dinner tonight but we're having Mexican takeout instead, because I just don't have the energy. I don't know if most people feel this way, but when someone close to me passes away, I feel regretful that I haven't done more with my life, like I should have more money, have kids, be married, etc. I know it's kind of irrelevant and self-centered, but that is what I feel. Maybe it's a distraction from the grief, I don't know.

It was very hard when my grandfather passed away, and I have never stopped missing him. I knew that it was a matter of time before she followed him. It's been about 6 years since he passed away, I think.

When my grandfather passed away, he was in the final stages of prostate cancer. He had a stroke which they believe was somewhat brought on by the chemo. I believe it was a mercy, really. I went up to see him after the stroke - he couldn't talk but he seemed aware of us and it was really good to see him and say goodbye. The funeral, on the other hand, was a horrible experience. We had a tire blow out on the way down (it was near Lake Isabella, several hours drive from here) and then when we were entering the parking lot I scraped the fuel tank on a metal post that was poking up out of the ground - I couldn't see it and apparently they had vehicles with more clearance in mind. Then the pastor talked on and on, even though he clearly didn't know Grandpa that well... all in all, it was very uncomfortable. I think I would have felt it was more meaningful if there had been a casket or something, but they'd already cremated him and scattered his ashes. And we arrived late (because of the car trouble) and so we missed the salute (he served as a pilot in WWII and the Korean War) too.

I have more to say but I'm out of words right now. It looks like the rest of my family is going up and I'll stay here and take care of the cats and the fish.
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